Category: relationships

I recently had a huge awakening about giving and receiving. I thought my heart was open. After all, I had been working on showing unconditional love to others and to myself. However, when it came to receiving, I realized my heart was completely shut. I didn’t know how to receive.

Giving And Receiving

I saw that while I had hoped to make everyone in my life feel loved, that what people want most of all is for their love to be received. Think about it. Think about the last time your love wasn’t received by someone. What did that feel like? I think that giving and receiving are equally important. After all, we want someone to receive our words in conversation. When we don’t receive other’s words and are stuck in our own thoughts, we miss the opportunity to really know the person in front of us. When we don’t receive the gifts they are offering us, the relationship becomes unbalanced.

I had attracted a lot of “takers” in my life. I realized these takers were nothing but a mirror. I didn’t know how to receive, so, of course, I was attracting “takers”. They felt my energy and were like, “Yay. Here is someone who is giving, and who doesn’t want anything in return. I am going to feed off that.” And, my need of not having to receive was getting filled.

I realized that I knew in my head how much my friends and the people in my life loved me. But, I had never allowed myself to actually feel this in my heart. As this shift occurred, I allowed my heart to feel all the love that people had for me, and I cried. I cried as my heart expanded to let all the love in. I realized there was nothing I had to do to earn people’s love. I was worthy, just as I was.

I then let my heart expand, and I felt the love that the entire world had for me just feel me up. I saw how everything needed to be an equal balance of giving and receiving. I saw how I watered the plants, and they, in turn, gave me food and beauty. I saw how the sunlight touched my skin every day, and I let myself really receive that light. I felt this in a way I had never felt it before. I just let everything in my world touch me to the core.

I let myself be completely vulnerable. I felt my heart touched in a way it had never been touched before, and realized that I had let a barrier form over my heart because I was afraid of that vulnerability. When I was receiving, I had to let down my guard, put down my defenses, and let whoever was giving inside. That means they were going to see everything. My weaknesses, what I considered the dark parts, everything. I had to let go of my thoughts of owing someone for the gifts they chose to give me.

I think the most vulnerable thing was admitting that I, too, longed to be nurtured. I needed to let other people’s care in, and not always be the one who nurtured and gave to others. I was once told that I was a strong horse who tended to carry others. The thing is you never see a horse carrying another horse. I needed to sometimes let myself be the rider and allow others to carry me.

I also realized that the act of receiving is a more feminine attribute, and how, in our society, anything feminine is portrayed as somehow “less than.” So, no wonder our entire society tends to downplay the act of receiving. So, I actually increase my feminine energy, when I allow myself to receive. It’s so easy to get caught up in doing, that we forget we can just be, and allow ourselves to receive the moment exactly as it is. I then get to experience gratitude, which I believe completes the cycle of giving and receiving. And, I am grateful for all that I am learning every day.

How did I have the breakthrough that showed me where my heart was blocked? I had this breakthrough during a Paloma Blanca Ayahuasca ceremony. Paloma Blanca is a type of ayahuasca that works on opening the heart. It shows us things about ourselves that, yes, we may not have received yet. When I came out of this ceremony, and told my friend that I realized I didn’t know how to receive, her response was, “Ha, I could have told you that. But you wouldn’t have listened.” It’s true, and I am grateful for this medicine which has transformed my life. If you are interested in doing an ayahuasca retreat, click here for more information.  

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“I’ve always been just me, but I was the last to know that it was all right.”
― Byron Katie

I’ve read just about all of the best relationship advice books, but none of them really helped to permanently change the struggles I’ve had in relationships. Until now. I discovered the Byron Katie book, I Need Your Love – Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead.

The Best Relationship Advice From Byron Katie

Most books only focus on how you get love and approval. We are taught to ignore the core of who we are to attract another, and then often wind up not feeling love because we haven’t been our true selves all along. The difference with the Byron Katie book is she teaches you how to accept yourself for who you are, and, in turn, to accept others for who they are. She teaches you how to change your thoughts about love and relationships which are often the root of the problem.

We often think that people should act a certain way. But, when we impose “shoulds” on them, we are arguing with reality. When we argue with reality, we will lose 100% of the time. Byron Katie teaches you how to accept what is. She also teaches you to look at your thoughts about what “should” be from different angles. She teaches you how to ask if the thoughts you think are really true.

For instance, you may think that someone’s behavior towards you is uncaring. Your thought process says, “They don’t care about me.” But, is this really true?  Byron Katie teaches you to look at the thought from different angles. For instance, you can look at it from the perspective of, “I don’t care about them.” After all, if you are only concerned about having things your way, and you aren’t looking at the other person’s perspective, you aren’t caring very much about the other person. You can also look at the thought, “I don’t care about me”, and look at the ways you aren’t caring for yourself that are making you feel like you must get care from someone else. You also aren’t caring for yourself when you take what could have been an innocent action from someone else, and are turning it into an insult. What you perceive as an action that doesn’t show care about you may have nothing to do with you at all. Lastly, look at it from a viewpoint of the fact that they do care about you. Sometimes the most caring thing someone can do for you is actually the action that is most caring for themselves.

Our mind likes to defend our position, and this is what causes us to become stuck. It is only when we see that there can be a different way to look at things that we can feel peace again.

This Byron Katie book also teaches you how to have authentic relationships by living your truth. So many times, we are trying to make an impression on someone that we don’t act authentically with them. We then don’t feel like we are really being known by others. But, how can someone know us if we aren’t being authentic?

“We use our beauty, our cleverness, our charm to capture someone for a partnership, as if he were an animal. And then when he wants to get out of the cage, we’re furious. That doesn’t sound very caring to me. It’s not self-love. I want my husband to want what he wants. And I also notice that I don’t have a choice. That’s self-love. He does what he does, and I love that. That’s what I want, because when I’m at war with reality, it hurts.”-Byron Katie

The book takes many of our beliefs about what relationships should be about and challenges them one by one. For instance, “If you love me, you’ll do what I want.” It shows that from childhood we are taught that obedience is love. So, we wind up tiptoeing around each other because we are doing things we don’t want to do for the other person, and it’s no wonder the love disappears.

Byron Katie’s book challenged so many false beliefs I realized I was carrying about love and relationships, and it showed me how to show up from a more authentic place in all of my relationships. It teaches you how to have honest communication with someone else and how not to lose yourself in relationship.

If you are looking for the best relationship advice out there, read this book now,  I Need Your Love – Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. Your relationship with others will improve but, more importantly, the one with yourself will change, as you learn to express your true self and challenge why you believe what you believe. 

It’s not your job to understand me-it’s mine.-Byron Katie

 

Keep your hands open, and all the sands of the desert can pass through them. Close them, and all you can feel is a bit of grit.’~Taisen Deshimaru

I have a confession to make. I lived the early part of my life closed off.  After many experiences starting in childhood where I felt like my true self was rejected, I closed myself off from others. I could crack a joke like nobody’s business, and discovered I could use humor to put a distance between myself and other people.  I learned how to draw people out, how to get them to tell their stories, so I didn’t have to tell my own. I moved around from place to place when people started getting to know the real me. I was scared. I was scared to let anyone else hold my heart. It was easier to dance in the mask of the adventurer, the lone wolf. In the end, I ran away.

But, then one day, I had an awakening. I felt the grit of the sand burning my hands, and I felt lonely, like no one understood me, and I knew I only had myself to blame. I knew that it was time. It was time to poke my head out of the cocoon I had created around myself.  I was tired of closing myself off to others. I was tired of closing myself off to life.  It was time to take my own tender heart and to set her free. She was ready to feel again.

Step by step, I learned to be outrageously open. I didn’t just become open with others. I became open to life itself. I learned that intimacy with others is what it’s all about. I started finding my tribe because I was letting others know the real me. And, yeah, I started crying a whole lot more. Now, I cry at sunsets, and ocean waves, and homeless kittens. Sometimes, I even cry at flowers. But, I’m feeling again, and my heart erupts in waves of delight every day.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney via photopin cc

How To Be Outrageously Open:

1. Learn That Other’s Opinions Of You Don’t Determine Your Worth

I grew up in an atmosphere where I was constantly criticized, and, as a child, I grew up with the false impression that I had to win people over. So, I soon learned to use my charm, my wit, and the things that I accomplished to try and be accepted by others. I tried to conform (ahem, something I’ve never been good at), and I lost myself somewhere along the way.

True freedom came when I started realizing my own worth. I realized it had nothing to do with how others saw me. I realized that it was OK if other’s didn’t get me or even understand me. The day I decided to live my own life and not worry about what others thought was the day I became more open to myself. I started learning who I really was instead of who I was compared to others.  Don’t be afraid to fully express yourself and show who you really are.

2.  Be Fully In The Moment

We actually close ourselves off from the moments of our lives when we aren’t fully present. If we watch a sunset while longing for the past or while thinking of all the things that we are going to do later or while entangled with worry, anxiety, frustration, or anger, while having this beautiful experience, we miss the beauty of the moment. If you fully let go moment to moment, the experiences themselves can heal your emotions, and bring a richness to your world you would otherwise miss.

When you become fully absorbed in a moment, you feel everything about that moment. It bursts your heart wide open. A good example of this was when I saw this murmuration of bronze cowbirds in Mexico. I was so caught up in the moment, I didn’t realize that I was being so vocal with my ecstatic reaction to see them until I watched the video later! When you become outrageously open, every moment in life touches you deeply in a way that it doesn’t when you are closed.

 3.  Treat Your Time With Others As Sacred

If you spend your time with others engaged on your phone or other distractions instead of being fully present with them, you miss the beauty of connecting with others on a deep level. You send a message that their presence isn’t valuable to you and you miss out on being deeply known yourself. View your time with others as sacred. Turn off your phone and let yourself deeply connect with the person in front of you.

4. Let Yourself Screw Up

I used to be very fearful in life. Fearful to do screw up. To not get it right.  Guess what? You are going to screw up. And you know what’s beautiful about that? You are going to screw up your way. Allow yourself to do it. When you screw up, you get the chance to practice self-love. And, if your screw-ups affect others, you get the chance to see who accepts you for being human, rather than for their idealized projection of you.

5.  Accept Others For Who They Are

When we judge others, we distance ourselves from who they really are. We try to fit themselves in a box of our making.  Are you trying to get to know someone who they are, or are you trying to know them for who they are through your filter? Let others show up. Exactly for who they are. When you do this, you will attract others who let you do the same.  You will also open your mind which is needed if you want to live openly.

Image from http://favimages.net/image/99858/

 6.  Embrace The Things That Life Offers You

Two years ago, I didn’t know that I would be selling everything I owned to begin an adventure around the world. When I began that adventure, I didn’t know that the real thing I was seeking was myself. One year ago, I had no idea that I would be drawing in people from all over the world to share what I have learned at a spiritual retreat in Bali.

The thing is many times, life often throws itself at our feet, but we don’t accept the things it offers us because it doesn’t show up in the package we thought it would, or it doesn’t feel comfortable or safe, or we are afraid of what others will think.

The thing is you don’t know where these opportunities will lead. Choose what shows up. Hell, don’t just choose it, welcome it with tears of gratitude, giant bear hugs, and slow, deep kisses. Savor it, groove with it, and feast on it. Let yourself become unleashed!

We claim that our lives are boring, but then we are afraid of spontaneity when things get shaken up. Do yourself a favor, and don’t sit this one out. After too many rejected invitations, life may just find a new dance partner.

7.  Be Willing To Receive

When we are open, something happens. We don’t just give. We learn how to receive. And then a healthy flow can begin in our hearts and our lives. Part of being open isn’t just putting our vulnerable selves out into the world. It’s allowing other’s vulnerability to come in. It’s allowing the gifts of the Universe to come shining through. It’s allowing ourselves to be touched on a deeper level and accepting things that are meant for us.

8.  Let Yourself Heal

Closing yourself off to others or to life is a form of self-defense. In order to be more open, it’s important to let yourself heal the pain of the past. Amy and Valen both offer healing sessions to help you become more open, let go of fear, and embrace life more fully. You can find out more about them here. Letting go of old pain is the best way to live a full life of openness and joy.

Want to know more about how to become more open or more authentic? Email Valen for a free 15-minute Skype session. (1 per person)

We like to put people on a pedestal, give them one character trait, and if they step outside of that shrinelike area that we blocked out for them, then we will punish them.-Madonna Ciccone

I happen to be writing this from Nepal.  There are a lot of gods and goddesses on pedestals here. As I have been learning about them, I have come to realize something. Not a single one of these beings was perfect. They showed just as much anger, pettiness, violence, greed, and selfishness as any human being.  Yet, they are adored for being exactly who they were. Both their light and shadow sides taught us lessons that we can learn and grow from.

In Nepal, they also greet one another with the phrase, “Namaste”.  My highest deepest self meets your highest, deepest self.  So, maybe this is why they can cut their gods and goddesses some slack. It is a place where you really do feel seen by each person for the all that you really are, and a place where you see the shining light in each person you greet.

But, it’s all too easy with romantic partnerships and even friendships, to put each other on a pedestal. We think this person can do no wrong, and we glorify the traits we imagine in them, until one day, “Boom”, our illusions (and our ego) are shattered.

Why do we do this? I believe it is our own lack of self-worth. We know our own imperfections, and we judge ourselves so harshly, and we start to imagine we are the only people who have these flaws. Our judgement stops seeing our own light, and we start projecting that light upon someone else. This is why it can hurt us so deeply, when those projections are shattered.

But, it goes deeper than this. We judge ourselves so deeply for not measuring up to our own standards that it becomes easier to ignore our own issues. We don’t want to delve into our shadow sides, so we pretend they don’t exist.  We put our own selves on a pedestal, so we can feel superior, so we can be right, so we can tell ourselves that we are worthy.

But, you see. You are worthy. You are worthy just as you are with all of your fears, all of your anger and sorrow, and need, and runaway emotions. You are worthy just as you are. The light in you is so bright that it doesn’t need a pedestal to shine from.

What happens when you put yourself on a pedestal is you feel you can’t show anyone your imperfections, and you wind up distancing yourself from true love. True love is unconditional and accepts you just as you are. But, you don’t give yourself the chance to be fully known when you disguise your weaknesses. You don’t give people the chance to truly love you fully. And, you miss the chance to fully love yourself.  While not everyone will be able to accept you stepping off the pedestal, you will find that most people will not only welcome you, but embrace you for it. The way to healing is acceptance of one another just as we are. We can help each other find the way to worthiness and wholeness.

How To Have Deeper Connections

You do the same thing when you put others on a pedestal. You miss the chance of full intimacy, and you miss the chance of loving unconditionally.  When someone shatters your illusions of them, that is the time they need you the most. That is the time their soul is crying out for love and acceptance. Show your love and let them know you still see their light. When we learn to forgive others (and ourselves) their shortcomings, we can truly see the light that they are and have a relationship on a deeper level. Instead of judging another person, we can see each other for the mirrors that we all are.  We can gently love one another and gently love ourselves.

I dare you to truly meet people on a soul level.  Allow yourself and others to be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to disappoint yourself now and then. And when you do? Show yourself the same forgiveness that you practice with others.  After all, you can’t see someone else’s divine light, until you can see your own.

Namaste.